Relationship comedy

This morning I felt like bringing the funny side of relationships to light. Just to make you smile and forget about the drama in your relationship :) enjoy!!!

Girl: Hey, why haven’t you called me since Friday?

Boyfriend: I’m going green.

Girl: Huh? What has that got to do with anything?

Boyfriend: I’m saving the trees so I refuse to buy a scratch card.

*

Fat girl: Baby am I fat?

Boyfriend: Oh did anyone call you fat? That person is a liar and just jealous of you.

Fat girl: Aww thanks baby, I knew your mum always wanted to look like me.

*

Councilor: When you hear the word match, what comes to mind?

Husband: Football

Wife: Colours

Councilor: Ok, how about when you hear the word satisfaction?

Husband: Food

Wife: The man next door.

*

Girl: Ahh I HATE fake people. Why can’t they just be themselves?

Boyfriend: Wow, looking at your hair, nails, eye lashes, padded bra and all you must really hate yourself!

 

The hope to carry on (5)

“Please I just came to get something to eat.” I said putting my brother behind me. “I see, you have a fortune out of me haven’t you? You think you can destroy my career and walk away like that don’t you?” He said. He smelled of alcohol. I was afraid of what he would do. “Please I’m sorry.” I pleaded but he raised his hand and slapped me. I fell to the floor immediately. “Fafa!” My brother called and rushed to me. Then he grabbed my brother by the color. “Leave him alone!” I screamed getting up. “Foolish girl, what can you do?” He asked and raised his hand to hit him. I pushed him as hard as I could but he didn’t budge but he lost grip of Edem. “Edem go and wait for me in your school!” I yelled. He was just standing there. “No.” He said with tears in his eyes. “Go!!” I managed to say before Mr. Wilson hit me again. Then it happened. Edem closed his eyes and run onto the street and a car from nowhere run him over. The sound it made took all the pain out of me. I saw my brother fall to the ground. 

My head was spinning when the doctor walked out to give me results. The driver who hit him sped off so I was on my own. “Have you called your parents?” He asked. “We don’t have parents. How is he?” I asked sharply. “He will be fine. He sustained a few injuries we have to tend to but he has to go into surgery if you want him to be able to walk again.” The doctor said. “Ok so operate on him. He has to be able to walk!” I thundered. “Young lady, you better let your parents know because the National Insurance doesn’t cover surgery.” He said again. “Our parents are dead ok?! I’m the only person he has got.” I said in tears. The doctor didn’t know what else to say. “How much will it cost?” I asked. “800 Cedis.” He replied politely. I nodded and turned away. “Do what you have to do I’ll get the money.” I said and walked away. It was my entire fault and I was going to find a way to make things work. 

“Where do you think I will get 800 Cedis from?” My Uncle’s wife yelled at me. She kept saying it was my fault and so I should deal with the consequences. I don’t know why I even wasted my time to ask her.  Mrs. Forson was my only hope. I got to work very early the next day and did my best to work extra hard. After working hours I rushed to her office before she could leave. “Madam I wanted to ask you something.” I started. She signaled for me to sit down and continue. “My little brother had an accident and is in the hospital. The doctor said it will cost 800 Cedis to operate on him. I was wondering if you could pay me for 8 months in advance so I’d use it to pay his bills.” I explained. She looked pretty sympathetic. “I’m very sorry about your brother but the restaurant doesn’t make that much money my dear. The best I can do is to pay you early for this month. I’ve decided to give you a raise too. So I can pay you 150 Cedis this week. I’m truly sorry Fafa.” She said. I smiled weakly and nodded. “It’s ok madam. Thank you. I’ll take the 150 then.” I replied.

I was at the hospital early the next morning. The doctor even came to meet me. “Sir, I have 250 Cedis here. Please send him to surgery. I’ll pay the rest later.” I pleaded. He shook his head slowly. “I’m so sorry but the payment has to be done in full before anything can be done. Talk to your relatives ok?” He said tapping my shoulder. I looked down at the money. What had Edem done to deserve this? Maybe it was time I let go of myself and allow the world to take control of me. After all what’s the point in being Christian if God was just punishing me. I had decided. I was going to sell my body for money. I would be throwing away my virginity but at least I will exchange it for a good life for my brother.

That night after work, I went to the popular agaji spot in town and stood by the road like all the rest. I couldn’t really believe I was doing this but the worst feeling came when a car pulled over next to me. The driver came out of the car and walked to me. I wasn’t sure I could do this. “It’s you. I’ve been looking for you at every hospital. I am so sorry. What I did was wrong. I haven’t been able to sleep since it happened.” He said. He was right, that was the car that hit my brother. I could even see the dent. Just like he was reading my mind he said… “I’ll pay for all his medical bills.” 

God works in the oddest ways…

To be continued…

The hope to carry on (4)

The month was about to end and Mrs. Forson was so nice to me. She dropped me off from work every evening after work. This was such a relief. When the month came to an end, the time had come to carry out our plan. Mrs. Forson explained to Mr. Wilson that she was only keeping me for the month because she didn’t have anyone else. He quickly informed her that there was a young man ready to take my place. She asked him to make the switch at the end of the month. Clearly, he didn’t know what was going to happen to him. 

My heart was pounding when the day came. The plan was to play along with his request to sleep with me to the hearing of the manager and Mrs. Forson. I didn’t like the idea very much but what he did wasn’t right. When I saw how lean my little brother had gotten I knew there was no turning back! If there was anyone to fight for it was him.

“Fafa, I know you can do this. We will be right outside his office. He won’t be able to do anything to you ok?” She consoled. I nodded and got out of her car. I walked to the office. This time I wasn’t excited at all to get paid. I was more worried about what he might do to me. I knocked three times on the door and heard his evil voice say ‘come in’. I made sure my phone was still on speaker phone and walked in.  “What do you want?” He asked harshly when he saw me. I could feel my hands shaking. “Please I’ve come for my salary Sir.” I managed to say. He opened a drawer and took out some money. He counted 70 Cedis and put it at the edge of the table. I picked it up and counted it again. “Sir this is 70 Cedis. It’s not up to 100.” I said again. He stopped typing and turned to look at me fully. “The 30 is in my room at home. If you want it we can go there for it.” He said with a nasty smile. I looked down. “Will I get the money you refused to give me last month too?” I asked. “Of course my dear. I’ll even drop you off when we are done.” He offered, beaming with smiles. "Look, you are a beautiful girl. You can make a lot of money with his lovely body of yours. So shall we go?" He went on, getting off his seat. Just then the door flew open and a very angry woman stormed in with Mrs. Forson. 

Things went better than I thought. I was paid my salary in full plus the arrears. The phone was given to me for the inconvenience caused. That day I came home with 160 Cedis. I had to pay my uncle’s wife for the rest of the month. She was quick to remind me. I paid her immediately so she won’t nag at me. When I lay down to sleep next to my brother I smiled broadly. I covered him properly with a cloth. Even though I didn’t have much, I knew it was enough to keep him happy at least for a while.

Mrs. Forson gave me the day off the next day. I picked Edem up from school and sent him to a restaurant to have lunch. He was so excited and bouncing all over the seat. We hadn’t been to that restaurant in years! We shared a large pizza with drinks. Edem was busy stuffing his face when I heard an all too familiar voice. I turned around and saw Mr. Wilson sitting down with another man. Just then our eyes met and my heart missed a beat. I grabbed my brother’s hand and signaled for the waiter to come. “Can you pack the rest up for us to take away?” I asked politely. I was still looking at Mr. Wilson from the corner of my eye. As the waiter left he stood up and walked in our direction. “Edem get up, we are leaving.” I ordered. He grabbed his bottle of coke and attempted to finish it as I pulled him. I collected the leftover from the waiter when he came back and paid him instantly. I turned around and Mr. Wilson was nowhere to be found. I tightened my grip and dragged Eden faster to the exit. “Where are you running to?” Mr. Wilson said standing right in front of us.

To be continued...

It's payback time!

"Excuse me." I said politely and walked into the washroom. I grabbed my phone from the clutch and called my roommate. “Maame guess where we are?” I asked. 

Maame: No idea, wait have you asked him yet?

Me: Ask him what? I’m not asking him anything my dear. He’s a lying bastard and he’s going to pay for lying to me.

Maame: Kelly for all you know he has a good explanation. Hear him out first.

Me: Are you kidding me? What would he say? He has a sugar mummy so he make money to take care of his poor parents? Please. Even if it’s to save the world he has no right to lie to me. Can you image how stupid I’ll look when people find out? Mtcheeew. He thinks I’m some Azonto chick who will just fall for him because of his ride or what?

Maame: Kelly calm down. 

Me: I’m calm. I’m just going to make sure I drain his sugar mummy’s money before I leave his sorry a**. 

Maame: Language! 

Me: I’m sorry, it’s just annoying. I almost fell for him oh. I thought he was so genuine. Hey, I have to go. I’m not coming back to the hostel tonight.

Maame: Why…don’t tell me you are going to sleep over at his place and set his house on fire. Hahaha

Me: Oh no. You this girl. I’m not psychotic oooh. Just wanna run his fuel a little. I’m going home. 

Maame: Eiii you are serious oh. So does he know he’s driving you to McCarthy Hill?

Me: Nope.

Maame: Be careful ooh. When guys spend a lot of money on a girl they usually get very aggressive when she denies them something they want.

Me: Your words are so polished. Don’t worry he I won’t let him touch me. Not even a strand of my hair. 

Maame: You mean your weave. Hahaha

Me: Hahaha I think that’s my cue. My battery is even low. I’ll have to call you when I get home. Later, bye.

I looked at myself in the mirror one more time and walked out. The night wasn’t bad at all. It went just as I planned it. I had their seafood special…the most expensive dish in the restaurant. I took it with a bottle of red wine…I hate wine but all the other drinks were far too cheap. When we got the bill I saw him cough a little. Otwiaa, he thinks I chose a classy restaurant for nothing.

“Why don’t we go to my hostel instead of going to the movies? We would have a wider range of movies to watch.” He suggested. I knew his plan from the start! “Your room won’t be as fun. I love the cinema. Is it about the money?” I asked innocently. “No, it’s not the money at all. Ayt let’s go the cinema then.” He said opening the door for me. I strapped my seatbelt and he drove to the cinema. When we got there he asked to excuse himself and walked towards the ATM machines. I couldn’t help laughing. 

“What would you like to watch?” He asked when he came back. He didn’t look amused at all. We walked to the counter and bought two tickets to see a romantic comedy. I didn’t even know the movie. Just when we were about to go inside I held his hand. “Nii, you know what? Maybe you are right. It would probably be more fun in your room. Your roommate is not around right?” I teased. He stopped walking instantly and smiled. Then he looked down at the tickets. I’m sure he was thinking. “Eii so this girl make I waste my money. She no make I feel ah, I go bore ooh.” I took the tickets, crumpled them and threw them into a bin. “Let’s go have some fun shall we?” I said with the most seductive look I know. I held his hand and dragged him. I could see he was staring at my behind. Poor boy. Lol.

He was walking faster now. Clearly he liked my idea. “Hey you sure your room will be empty?” I asked again. He turned to me and nodded. “My roommate has gone home. He won’t be back till Sunday.” He said with the widest smile ever. “Oh cool that means I could sleep over right?” I said playing with my hair. “Yea baby.” He said and we both giggled. “Oh wait, I need to pick something up real quick at McCarthy Hill.” I said quickly. He turned to look at me sharply. “McCarthy Hill, can’t it wait?” He asked. “No, if I’m sleeping over at yours I need to pick it up now.” I said adjusting the bust line of my dress. 

When we got to the front of my house I was so excited. Silly boy, I was going to leave him waiting outside all night long! He deserved every bit of it. He parked by the road and I took out my phone. My battery was dead! I smiled to myself. I had to borrow his phone. I was going to top up my plan by chewing small of his credit. “Nii can I use your phone? I need to call my mum so she’ll come open the gate for me.” I asked sweetly. He didn’t hesitate one bit. He took out his phone for me immediately. I smiled and dialed my mum’s number. 

 “Sweety, I thought you wanted to sleep early today. You can’t sleep?” My mum said! I dropped the phone immediately. Wow!

OMG he's cheating! (part 4)

“Of course you have.” Naa said giggling. “You met at my mum’s party remember?” She added. I looked at him from the corner of my eye. “Oh, ok that explains why you seem familiar.” He said and looked away. Pheew, that was close. I grabbed my Canon camera and fidgeted with the lens a bit. “You don’t hold it like that. Oh my goodness.” Sesi said and walked closer to Naa who was holding a guitar like it was a piece of metal weight. I heard the sound of a knock on the door. Then she walked in. My jaw almost dropped when I saw her. She was about 6 feet tall with very long legs. Her hair was long and black like a China doll. Her makeup was light and soft. Sesi was right about the boobs, they were extremely perky (no lesbo). My goodness Naa was is deep trouble!

“Hi everyone.” She said. Oh no, she had an accent too. If my camera wasn’t that expensive I would have dropped it out of shock. Sesi and Naa looked up and saw her. Sesi was showing her how to hold a guitar. Perfect! He had started acting all ‘couply’ already. This was definitely going to work. “Zeba, this is my girlfriend Naa and he cousin Adoley. I invited them to our session. You guys this is Zeba the musician extraordinaire.” Sesi introduced. She smiled at both of us and gave a little wave. I turned to look at Sesi and he was smiling. I wonder why! Then out of the blue a tall, dark and amazingly handsome guy walked into the studio. My goodness he was so hot! I prayed he was Sesi’s single sound engineer. And I’m not talking about numbers. He said hello and smiled. My gawd I could see Naa staring as well. We just couldn’t help it, the guy was cute. “I hope you don’t mind, I brought my boyfriend along.”Zeba said. All of a sudden the fantasies in my head dissolved. Wait a minute, boyfriend?!!

I wasn’t the only person who was shocked. I could tell by Sesi’s expression that he didn’t see this coming. “Are you just going to stand there? Take the pictures.” Naa said to me. I lifted my camera and took a shot of her. She was smiling from ear to ear. “Nice camera, is that a 7D?”Zeba asked. I turned around immediately. “Yes. How did you know?” I asked her back. She smiled and tossed her hair. “My brother, Carl is a photographer. He uses one of those sometimes. He says it gives amazing results for indoor shots. It’s very expensive.” She explained. “Yes oh. I got it as a prize at an art competition. Wait, is your brother Carl Flints?” I asked again with my eyes wide open. She nodded and smiled again. “Oh my goodness he has the best blog ever. I love his tutorials, they really helped me out when I was learning photography.” I said walking closer to her. She let out a little giggle. “I know, he even gets me hooked on cameras sometimes. You should come over to his studio sometime. He loves meeting young photographers.” She added. “That would be amazing. I would really learn a lot from him.” I went on hysterically. Zeba took out her phone and stored my number. “I’ll call you up when I know he’s free so you can stop by. I hope a Sunday afternoon will work for you.” He said again. “Sure, that would be fine.” I replied. It was only when Naa dropped the guitar she was holding that I realized….I was being manipulated by the enemy! Yawa oooh.

The recording session was so awkward. Zeba was in the booth singing, Naa was sitting by Sesi, reading a magazine (can you imagine her), the hot papasita was sitting on the couch alone and very often going out to answer calls. He reminded me of my job. Lol. I was taking shots of everyone ones in a while. This plan had backfired! It was yawa! It blast! Zeba came with her ‘boyfriend’, Naa wasn’t doing anything worth envying and it looked like Sesi was jealous. She also had me wrapped around her finger thanks to her brother. But seriously Carl Flints is an amazing photographer…..see what I mean? Smh…

Zeba’s fresh boy chupper chops walked up to her after one of his numerous calls and whispered something in her ear. They spoke silently and giggled flirtatiously for a minute. “Sesi I have to go. I have some business to take care of.” She said walking out of the booth. I noticed her shoes. Stunners!!! Before Sesi could say anything she grabbed her bag. Her ‘man’ was holding her by the waist. Sesi looked pretty pissed. “But we have to finish both songs by tomorrow.” I said sternly. “I know, we’ll do both tomorrow. I really have to go. I’ll call you later ok?” She said with a very innocent voice. She turned to Naa and waved at her. “I love your haircut. It really looks good on you.” She said. Naa smiled like a sheep again. “Thanks. I love your long hair too.” She said and they both laughed. She gave Sesi a quick hug and me too. Then she rushed out holding her ‘guy’s’ hand. Sesi was just there, staring at the door.

Let’s be honest…she played all three of us like toys! We all blast!

To be continued…